Teasing (Disclaimer: Soul-searching post here)

Just came across this wonderful post about teasing on Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project blog.

Like Gretchen, I'd never thought much about teasing before now. I know I do it. That's for sure. And I know I've made concerted efforts over the past few years to become more sensitive to other people's feelings and to really reduce the sarcasm in my life. And I think I've done a good job so far. Certainly there are slip ups, but for the most part, I think I've figured out when teasing is and isn't a good idea.

Usually my teasing takes the form of adoration - other people's quirks just charm the heck out of me, and I want to express that to them. So I gently tease. I cajole. (Or at least, I think I'm being gentle. I hope.)

And I, like many commenters, take other people's teases as a form of flattery - they trust me enough to know I can take it. There are limits, sensitive subjects that will leave me feeling down, but for the most part I have a hearty self-deprecating spirit.

But what was most interesting to me after reading the comments was how people's family history with teasing shaped their perception of teasing on the whole.

A family of teasers
My family definitely teases. Sometimes lovingly. Sometimes hurtfully.

My mom comes from a family of loving teasers, but she is very sensitive to their remarks. No blame on either party here. They love and genuinely want to help each other by pointing out areas they could improve.

Unfortunately for my mother, she is probably the most sensitive of all six siblings. She developed a defensive form of teasing - one that flails and can be quite mean at times. But she only deploys this when feeling cornered and never teased us about things like our social lives or appearance as children. (Maybe about our dancing, though.)

My father, on the other hand, came from a family of cruel teasers. They picked on him quite a bit, most likely because he was the kindest among them. I get the feeling this is the primary form of affection he received as a child. He now shows affection through teasing, though it's frequently ill received. It's a juvenile form of teasing, often inappropriately used. He has had a lot of trouble at work because of this, and he can be quite offensive to those who don't know him. He's the kind of guy who will question your masculinity for wearing a pink shirt but will mean it with the best of intentions.

Thanks to my father, I developed a thick skin. Thanks to my mother, I learned to not get too defensive. Thanks to my mother's family, I learned how to tease out of love.

But it took me many years of alienating people and offending them to learn how to tease skillfully. I've put off more people than I care to admit in my time. The thing that was hardest for me to learn (and I'm still working on) was that I could offend one person by teasing another. For instance, saying of a workout video character, "She really needs to reevaluate her bangs," could cause my neighbor to become worried about what I think of her own hair.

To me, this feels like hypersensitivity, but I understand it and am willing to accommodate it. It takes practice, for sure.

But I still find myself teasing a great deal. I tease my husband for his habit of immediately Googling the menu of any restaurant we're considering trying, knowing what he'll order before we leave the house. And he teases me for my obsession with plucking gray hairs from my head. I tease my mom for never wearing her reading glasses and always holding her menus at arm's length. And she teases me for my hypochondria.

But those are my two closest and most loving relationships. Next is my sister, who I've learned hates to be teased. I do my best not to tease her at all (though this is a deeply embedded habit that I've still not fully eradicated).

Now I'm wondering about my little brother, who just graduated high school. He seemed irritated by the fact that he didn't get high honors and that people who loaded up on easy classes did. I wonder if it was hurtful when I wrote on his graduation card, "You did it! With medium honors!" Until now, I assumed he'd appreciate the joke, that it would give him an excuse to laugh about an irritating situation. But maybe it just hurt.

Wow. When I started this post, I was of the impression I was a good teaser, but now I'm not so sure. I'm improved, definitely. But it seems I may have further to go than I'd imagined.

Gretchen's teasing post has given me a lot to think about. I'm not sure I have a satisfactory conclusion to offer. I'm left just hanging, wishing I knew the answer.

[Update: Before I could publish this, I had to call my brother and apologize for my insensitive remarks. I asked if it had bothered him, and he said, "No...?" Then he wished me luck calling everyone I've wronged. "With the way our family works, you may be calling for a long time."]