Surrendering identity to... success?

I have come to regard self-censorship as a form of maturity, as well as a sort of power. The more I can control what I say, what I project, how I am perceived, the more power I have over those around me.

It takes a great deal of restraint to decide what you want your image to be and to act accordingly. Compared to a teenage version of myself, I now exhibit great prowess in the realm of self-control. However, compared to a pro, like Barack Obama, I am a frenetic mess. And so there is a part of me that desires to emulate that ideal, that strives for even greater control.

This part of me has never been more prominent than since I have entered the professional working world. I feel like Peter Gallagher's character in American Beauty: "In order to be successful, one must project an image of success at all times." I am aspiring to a WASP ideal of hiding away all emotion and coating every action with a thick layer of saccharine "professionalism."

The degree to which this occurs and to which this sort of masking is valued probably varies among workplaces, and I am aware that the all-female non-profit environment probably tops that list. It is likely here more than many other environments that the value of an affected smile is significantly inflated.

But I do feel this if a general expectation of society, and I know I am not the first to think this. One of my favorite poems touches this very point:
We wear the mask that grins and lies;
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes;
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile.

And so comes the dawn of social networking. How does our online presence fit into this mold of feigned personality? How do we utilize the amazing networking capabilities of the internet while maintaining our "image of success"? How do we broadcast ourselves... without really braodcasting ourselves?

As a comedian (however amateur), I feel this acutely. I find I am struggling to maintain the duplicity of the workplace in the vastness of the Internet. I am constantly trying to find ways to make myself visible to anyone who wants to view my comedy - important if I want to develop my craft, which I do, in time - while shielding the more "interesting" (read: controversial) parts of my personality from potential employers.

And I have to wonder, I have to question, what is the true value of smothering our real personalities to fit the "professional" ideal? Why are we not more interesting people for our quirks? Why are we held painstakingly accountable for every remark, every thought and behavior outside the established norm?

In college I spent many years shedding myself of concern for the opinions of others. I learned to embrace my personality and my own unique value. But after one year and eight months of service to office life, I have re-learned shame for that which sets me apart. I am not ridiculed openly nor judged aloud for my idiosyncracies, but I am made to feel unwelcome.

We are constantly told to break the mold, be creative, realize your potential, fear not the judgment of others.

But how, I beseech you, do we embrace ourselves, when our true personalities are steadily beaten into the mold of an American professional ideal? How can we excel when we are punished for standing out?