Irreverence

I am often irreverent. This may very well be the quality with which I grapple most, waffling between prizing and loathing it. And it may also be my most definitive quality.

In my previous post I talked about having waves of selfhood and needing to get back to being myself. Well, I am sorry to report pitiful progress, and I think it may be tied to irreverence.

After Ignite (yes, THAT word again), I was seriously mortified by my irreverence. How could I get up there and jest when so many people were taking it seriously?

You might guess that these feelings were triggered by a particular person, and you are correct. There was someone in the audience who I desperately wanted to impress and who was decidedly not impressed. I have plenty of good reasons for wanting to impress this person and thinking that irreverence would be a valued quality, but it seemed I was wrong. So I began to chastise myself for being so irreverent.

And then this person showed more signs of valuing irreverence, so I tried again and failed again. Several times. Each time was worse than the last. (You'd think I'd learn quicker, but you know how it is when you're really trying to be impressive.)

So over the past month and a half I've been gradually trying to shut down one of my definitive qualities.

Not surprisingly, my self esteem has plummeted and my relationships have suffered. I've shut myself off, found excuses not to participate. I've gained weight. I've wallowed. I've been a real bummer -- and much of it is rooted in the disapproval of someone to whom I am about as significant as the weather in Connecticut.

How silly, right?

Throughout all of this, I've been viewing irreverence through the lens of someone who disapproves: a defense mechanism, a way to avoid substance, not worth my time, etc.

But when I started to think about why I am so irreverent, why I so frequently crack wise, why I go on so many ridiculous tangents, I realized it all stems from my highly active imagination.

You cannot say the phrase "inject some rigor into this project" without me imagining a doctor inserting a giant needle into the forearm of an 8' Mexican wrestler, who immediately jumps up and ferociously growls, "Grrrrrr!!!" before bounding off. (P.S. His cape says "project.")

That's just how my brain works. I imagine all sorts of wild and crazy things. I see double entendres and puns and comedic images all the time.

Fortunately, my imagination also allows me to quickly see alternate solutions, crossed signals, audience needs, potential obstacles, etc. My imagination brings tremendous value to projects. It is perhaps my most valuable quality in the professional world, one I need to encourage and cultivate.

And yet, I can't expect my imagination to work in a business vacuum. If I don't exercise it, encourage it, embrace it, no matter what form it takes, it may atrophy or disappear entirely. I'm unwilling to take that chance.

I have to accept the bad with the good. I will always be a smart ass. It is a part of my identity and an unfortunate side effect of the wonderful gift of imagination.

So, although there may be smart assery, and although I may turn people off along the way, at the end of the day, I'll know that encouraging my imagination is the right thing to do. It's something I need to own, every day.

Hopefully this realization will help me get back to selfhood. I had a similar revelation about emotion a few years ago -- you have to let in the bad along with the good. As obvious as it seems, I needed to really learn that one, and it has made an enormous difference in my life. Perhaps this will do the same.

Perhaps.

P.S. This does not mean I'll stop working to discern between appropriate and inappropriate times to make jokes. It just means I'll try not to berate myself if I choose incorrectly.