Being self-centered

I have been extraordinarily self-centered lately, though I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing. The focus I've been directing toward myself is one of reflection and evaluation.

Over the past few years, I have done an unbelievable amount of growing. I've learned to own up to my effect on others. I've learned to swallow my pride in the interest of preserving relationships. I've learned to step back and reflect before taking actions that may hurt someone else. I've learned to lower my standards of myself and others to a reasonable level so as not to foster perpetual disappointment.

And those are all skills I am still working to improve. While I have made enormous strides in these areas, I still have miles and miles to go. I know that, but recognizing small victories in favor of berating myself for the distance to the "finish line" is another skill I am cultivating.

Though I have been gradually working on improving myself for years, it seems over the past few months to have heightened significantly, and something feels different about it this time. This feels like a significant movement toward a sustainable future of happiness. I really believe I have it in me to find and retain happiness. This belief is, perhaps oddly, somewhat new.

Past efforts at self improvement--major lifestyle disruptions--have always felt like a ploy to get myself out of a rut, and even from their inception I was prepared to fail and return to bad habits.

I'm primarily referring to exercise, but I'm also addressing my propensity toward frantic episodes of hyper-productivity. Being a lazy person, I have traditionally relied on these periods to accomplish... really, anything. In school I probably spent 1-2 weeks of any semester actually putting forth effort. Thinking back, I can remember all-nighters and intense study sessions, but for the most part my school was a haze of lazing and drinking.

This sporadic pace had not been a particularly bothersome trait, as I've managed to do pretty well for myself so far. And when I began to sense the winds of change blowing this spring, I truly expected to find myself in another productivity binge, only to retreat to mediocrity when the gale subsided.

But something is different this time. I am energized by this change. My external life is relatively stable, my relationship with my fiance is in a great place, and I feel ready to commit to choosing happiness.

A stunning difference in this change from last is the level which the change itself interests me. In the past, I've viewed my ebbs and flows as the natural order of my personality. But suddenly I'm finding that I'm beginning to separate my past habits from my identity. The retreat to mediocrity does not seem inevitable now; it actually seems unlikely.

I have a sense that I am on track to finding my passion and to filling my life with joy. Though I have been unable to identify what it is I truly love doing, I can sense that my self-awareness is going to breed the conditions in which I not only discover my joy but also commit to it.

I labeled this post "being self-centered" because that's all this is. I am so caught up in digesting new information and applying it to my own life, constantly evaluating myself, that I am finding it difficult to imagine it would be uninteresting to anyone. So I want to talk about it, share, collaborate. But understandably, this is not a favorite topic of the people in my life.

And so, here it is in the blogosphere. I'm putting it out there for anyone who is interested to read. And those who aren't have already continued on their merry way.

As for me? I've stayed up too late reading advice and thinking about myself. Off to dreams I go.