On Minnebar and women

Attended my first Minnebar yesterday, and it was awesome. Hung out with smart people all day, had some good discussions, spent time with friends, and learned a few things. Overall, a major win. Thanks to everyone who made it happen!

Since it was a Saturday (not company time), I took some liberties with my session choices and learned a bit about consulting and startups. I also attended sessions about online nonprofit fundraising, social web design, and curation.

The part where I rant about women
Far and away the session that has stuck with me most was "She's Geeky? Why are you geeky?" It was an introduction to the She's Geeky "unconference" coming to Minneapolis in August, coupled with an open discussion about women in technology. I was pretty excited about it.

Unfortunately, we were at a conference from which a commonly repeated tweet was, "There's no line at the women's restroom!" It was definitely a male environment. So even at a session about women, about half of the attendees were men. And they had a lot to say.

At one point - for a good 10 minutes - the conversation in the room volleyed among five different men who all wanted to tell us about how they view women and what they think should be done to empower women.

Here's the thing, men: it's not your place. It is not your job to tell us what to do. It is not your job to talk about how people should react to women. It is not your job to try to solve our problems for us.

If you want to come to discussions like this one, it's your job to sit quietly and be supportive. It's your job to listen with an open mind to what we have to say. It's your job to understand the struggles we face and decide (quietly) what you can do to support our efforts.

And, women - it is our job to speak for ourselves.

The male-dominated discussion about women in technology yesterday was inexcusable.

Let's imagine for a moment that I'm sitting in a room of racial minorities who are discussing what needs to be done to empower racial minorities. Imagine me throwing a tantrum in this room to the effect of, "You can't generalize white people like that! We're all just people! We need to get over these stereotypes!"

Now imagine that tantrum leading to me and a few other white people all talking about our experiences with our black friends, what we are doing to help them, and what we think they should be doing to help themselves.

Outrageous, right?

Yet this is exactly what we allowed to happen yesterday. We allowed men to dominate the conversation by talking about their daughters and growing up with four sisters and how that has shaped their perceptions of women, etc., while we sat and politely waited our turn.

And you know what? I think I was the only woman in the room who seemed remotely pissed about this. I was fuming, actually. I am still.

I'm angry at the men in that room. I'm angry at the women there, too. I'm angry that I looked like a jerk for being angry. I'm angry that we're all too damn polite to call each other out on this sort of behavior. I'm angry that no one else seemed to mind.

Was no one else bothered by men doing our talking for us?

We can't be role models if we're too cowed by men to stand up and say, "Let us do the talking."

Maybe I would have said it myself yesterday, but I got the distinct impression I would have been standing on that soapbox alone. And that makes me sad. We can't be afraid to ask for the stage when the topic is our lives.

I, for one, promise not to sit quietly and accept it anymore. Next time I'm in a situation like yesterday, I'll speak up. You have my word. I hope you will do the same.

In sum
That being said, I really did have a wonderful time at Minnebar. I just really needed to put that out there. It did not detract from the experience on the whole, which was most excellent. Thanks again to all the organizers, presenters, and sponsors.

Now I'm looking forward to unSummit!

Women, language, and the onus

Women, it's time to stop referring to yourselves and letting others refer to us as "girls." If you are 20 or older, I've got news for you: you're a woman.

The term "girl" is diminutive and serves to keep us down. We are not children. We are adults and should be referred to as such.

I will grant you that in college you can still get by with "boys" and "girls," but I'm not talking about exceptions to the rule here. On a daily basis, people say things like, "She's a really sexy girl" (let's hope you mean "woman," or we've got a problem) or "We need more girls on the field" (really? will third graders help this team win?).

Stop it. You are referring to grown, adult women. We are not lesser individuals and do not need to accept a pint-sized moniker.

Men do no tolerate this. They don't have to. How often do you hear any man older than, say, 23 referred to as a "boy"? Yes, men have a handy non-committal term in the form of "guy," but that does not excuse this inequity.

And guess what? The onus is on us. We have to consciously use the right language and correct people when they say "girl" but mean "woman." It's up to us to own it.

It may feel awkward at first, but it's up to us to correct and educate. Don't be afraid to stand up for your adulthood.

Step up. Take a stand. One woman at a time, we can work our way toward an environment of equality.